How often do we tell ourselves lies within the walls of our relationships? It all begins innocently, as small untruths cloaked in a dress of feigned indifference. We tell our significant other that we do not care what restaurant we go to, when we do. Or we choose to go out with a friend, when what we really want is to be home alone, with a good book. Once the wound is opened, the occurrence of lies increases, thickening like dried blood upon our skin. Eventually, we become lost, forgoing ourselves completely. We do not know who we are or what we want. Our needs are buried deep within ourselves, beneath layers of denial and lies. We continue through our days, sliding across the moments of our lives, having learned these lies as a way of living.
This denial of ourselves continues until we come upon a person who senses our weakness, who commands themselves over us, as they try to fill their own hole, a void in their heart. And we allow it, until the moment when we don’t. We snap, and a voice from deep within us creates a wedge, and our own words rise from within us loud and clear. We sense we began to hide from ourselves long before the innocent lies began. Yet the anger is felt now, and is raw which enables us to withdraw from another’s embrace, and revel in disbelief at how they have mistreated us.
Our anger serves us well as we step away from our partner. Our disbelief fuels further awareness. And although we no longer chose to dance with this inequality of abuse and control, we see that it was always a choice, our choice. Perhaps this is the dramatic way we chose to learn the lesson to love ourselves beyond a doubt, to come back to ourselves after we have strayed so far. A respite of relief we cannot deny, after we have been left starving, neglected and alone; shivering in the iciness of another’s actions, which felt nothing but damaging and loveless.
Yet, is it possible to see this person, their attempt to snuff out our being, as a gift, a mirror of truth? Out of love, they have led us so far from ourselves that we have no option than to snap back, like a rubber band that has reached its limit. Yes, it hurts when the band retreats quickly, whipping against our skin. Yes, there is loss, sadness, disappointment. There is rage, disbelief and pain. But over time, the redness fades, the sting remits. And we begin to understand that the stretching is just what we needed to grow.
So, we leave. And with nobody to control, our dance partners have no option but to look at themselves, to see the nature of their behavior. And this is not easy, so they resort to manipulation as an attempt to take back control. But if we stay strong, we give back to them what they gave to us. We become their mirror of truth.
Regardless of which side of the mirror we are on, when the dance ends, we are left standing alone. This is the perfect place to look into our own eyes, and melt into our feelings. To accept the confusion, anger and loneliness we feel. To learn how to give ourselves all that we need, what we never had, one step at a time. To love ourselves unconditionally, without judgement for what we have said or done. To let go of our story. To treat ourselves like we would a child, with compassion and understanding. And eventually to forgive, not only another, but ourselves.
And we begin to understand that what we have been searching for our whole lives is the beauty and love of our own heart. The joy of hearing the cry of our own voice. The peace of loving ourselves for who we are, not breaking ourselves down for who we are not. The joy of loving all of ourselves, not judging our behaviors as good or bad. And the bliss of knowing everything we need is right here within us.
Until we show ourselves more love, not less, the search for a savior, a temporary fix, will continue. We will live with the hopes of dancing with the perfect parent, the endlessly adorning lover, the unconditionally loving friend. And the violins will again begin to play, enticing us to embrace one another desperately, until we are pushed once again to face the mirror of truth. When we come home, accept and love ourselves fully, we will look no more. Our lesson is learned. The dance will end. The mirror will shatter.